By Adam Hart
CSNNE.com
A series of cables revealing the inner workings of the Adrian Gonzalez trade has been released by WickedLeaks, the preeminent publisher of confidential false documents.
Wicked Good Sports has obtained the e-mail "cable" series, and presents it to you in its original form:
FM: RDSXWNR HNRYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXTVGY
It is protocol to exclude vowels from the heading of these cablegrams, but 'sometimes Y' has always caused me to overly ponder. Discontinuance of this mode of communication may be for the best, my dears.
FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY
John, I think now is not the sometime 'Y' is a vowel. Plus, how will we dominate the international sport theatre if we don't play the part? It's like we're professional diplomats; reminds me of using walkie talkies as a kid -- "over."
FM: RDSXWNR HNRYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXTVGY
Your imagination runs so wild, Tom. And I like it like that. The cablegrams will proceed as planned.
My bride has informed me this "Felger" has been menacing all about the radio waves, propagating suspicion of our motivation with the Red Sox portfolio. Granted, ratings have dropped where other sports have gained. I may order you to once again manufacture public interest in this portfolio.
FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY
One uuuhh word: Hoax.
FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY
Larry, you forgot to include Theo on that last cable.
Anyway, a hoax is the greatest form of a ratings booster. Remember Balloon Boy? That was television gold. But where will we find a weather balloon?
From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner
I have some encouraging news. Conversations to acquire Adrian Gonzalez from the Padres for prospects have reached the final stages. We will not part with any Major League talent. This is a steal, but only if we sign him to a big-money, long-term deal. Can I get you three to sign off on this?
FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY
Come on, Theo. Didn't you receive the memo on cable heading protocol? I've attached a copy to this cable.
But you say his name is Adrian, huh? Any relation to Adrian Beltre? It'd be great TV to use that on our season storyboard: Two brothers reunited in Boston to help defeat the Evil Empire. I'll get my writing staff on it ASAP.
From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner
No. Adrian is his first name; they are in no way related. And Beltre is not coming back. We talked about this.
San Diego is ready to move on if we don't give them an answer soon. Please let me know if we can commit something like 180 million to him.
FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY, RDSXGM
I'd prefer ARod.
From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner
Really, it'd be so much easier if we could just do this in person. Or over the phone?
FM: RDSXWNR HNRYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXTVGY
Negative.
Theodore, we have monies prepared to allocate toward the payment of a premier employee. The acquisition of the Liverpool portfolio has no doubt created angst in Boston. We have foreseen the need to offset that angst with such an employee. It is my understanding that he will bring quite the return in baseball and monetary production. An asset like Mr. Gonzalez would add worth to the Red Sox portfolio. The green light has been lit remotely from Liverpool, a city with wondrous cloud cover.
FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXGM, RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY
Signing Gonzalez would be great. I mean, we can even get ratings on Telemundo. But let's not forget about the hoax.
From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner
Hoax? No hoax. I'm telling San Diego the deal is on. We're flying in Gonzalez for a physical and negotiations on an extension. My phone will be off for most of Sunday. Don't do anything stupid.
FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY
Alright guys, now that grumpy-pants is gone let's build some drama here. It's Saturday and every media outlet in New England is slobbering all over this Adrian deal. We need to extend it to Monday. That football team is hogging the stage -- MY STAGE!
FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY
Easy there, uuhhh Tom. My team has leaked a uuhhh missive that negotiations have hit a uuhhh uuuhh roadblock. Fear mongering is our safest uuhhh bet. At 3pm a second uuuhh missive will inform the media we did not meet our uuhhh deadline.
FM: RDSXTVGYT: RDSXPRZ, RDSXWNR HNRY
Perfect! That will be our hoax: Adrian's not coming to Boston, sorry. Then when they've all but turned on us, we win them over again by acquiring him. I can't wait to have Beltre back. Wow, Larry. You really are an evil genius.
FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY
I just like to uuhhh expletive with Theo.
FM: RDSXWNR HNRYT: RDSXPRZ, RDSXTVGY
You fine gentlemen have done a bang-up job securing an increased market share for the Red Sox portfolio. My bride has gathered a few samplings of reaction to our ruse via my prefered form of communication, the Internet. What else is a bride good for, am I right?:
@MikeGiardi, @ElGuaposGhost, @Marc_Bertrand, @SI_JonHeyman
The fear has most definitely been mongered.
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And now once Theo reaches his deal we'll look heroic, like we swooped in and defeated the evil agent and his contract demands. It's almost too easy. I hope the viewers don't catch on. It'll be like a good episode of CSI.
FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY
Let's take it a step uuhhh further. I'll leak that we uuhhh want to take him for a uuhhh proverbial test drive before we sign him to an extension.
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This will drag out interest in our club even longer! "Will the Red Sox let the same thing happen with Adrian they let happen with the catcher they traded for, Pedro Martinez? No way they let another slugger walk as a free agent?"
From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner
Guys, what the hell is going on? I'm getting blasted all over the place for "low-balling" Gonzalez. It's like a tsunami of hate. I just got out of negotiations. We have a deal in place: 7 years, 170 million -- less than Teixeira. Why does the media think the deal is off?!
FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY
Because I uuhhh told them so. I am now leaking that the trade is uuhhh complete. But it's anyone's guess if we keep ARod past this uuhhh season.
From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner
Larry, it's not ARod. This is Adrian Gonzalez. .29831101 last season. He's seven years younger than ARod. You lost out on him a long time ago. Get over it.
FM: RDSXPRZT: RDSXWNR HNRY, RDSXTVGY
Fair enough. But, Theo, it would be wise to not let slip a "we did it for the show" during Monday's press conference. Your life job depends on it.
From: TheoTo: JWHenry, LLucchino, ThosWerner
I seriously hate you. All of you.
When word broke Sunday that Gonzalez would not be coming to Boston after all that attention, it was easy to picture that giant Jiffy Pop floating in the sky. Without Falcon captaining it.