With all this talk about Pablo Sandoval and his eating habits, I laughed when I received the following tweet from @ChipsandDip2400: “Hey Gary, Doritos or Lays? This is extremely important.”
This is a no-brainer, ChipsandDip2400. Doritos! The Dorito chip is the greatest junk-food invention known to man.
I can't remember when my love affair with the Dorito began, but I've never wavered. Ever. To cheat on a Dorito with a cheese curl or the highly overrated cheese puff (90 percent air) would be like cheating on Candice Swanepoel with Rebel Wilson.
As a matter of fact, if you asked me to choose between Candice or the Dorito I would think long and hard. (Could I eat the Dorito chip off her navel? That sounds like a pretty good compromise.)
I never thought I could love another until they came out with the Cool Ranch flavor. But, since I have kept it in the family, it’s all good.
I know I'm not alone in my infatuation with a certain junk food. So, in honor of the arrival of Pablo Sandoval at Sox spring training this week, I give you the Panda food test. Make your Panda pick.
Dove Bar or Klondike Caramel Pretzel Bar?
The Klondike, of course. The Dove bar is for wimps and Klondee is for real hard-core candidates for heart disease. The Klondee has a real man’s crunch. It takes effort to bust into that chocolate coating and I could drink caramel through a straw.
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The chocolate-covered pretzel is a great idea. It's a combination I never would come up with. Toss this concept along with caramel into a Klondee and BOOM! INSTANT MULTIPLE KLONDGASM!
M&M’s or Reese’s Pieces?
Neither one, really. I think both are overrated. However, the pretzel M&M (no surprise, based on my above rant) has me intrigued.
Onion rings (thick cut) or French fries (crinkled)?
The Ring is King! Next to the Cool Ranch Dorito, the onion ring is my favorite food. Period. As a matter of fact, I think long term I may desire the ring more. If I'm on a deserted island with Candice and we can only have one food, I would go with onion ring. It's part vegetable, and the batter could serve as a carb supplement. One of my great disappointments is the onion -- my favorite vegetable -- has very little if any nutritional value. Kale will add years to your life but does anyone really like Kale?
Onion dip or clam dip?
Based on my above-mentioned affinity for the onion, you know which one I would choose. However, clam dip is underrated and -- quite frankly -- has an image problem. Clam-dip discrimination has to stop. It isn’t even mentioned in the same vein as a vegetable, cheese or artichoke dip, and I'm sorry but that's a crime. Please give clam dip a chance. Of course, you need to like clams. There's nothing better than a peck or two of steamers in a pot with beer and onions. One college summer I was in the middle of delectable feed of clams, up to my elbows in shells and broth with melted butter dripping from my chin. I was working up quite the sweat. We couldn’t afford an air conditioner and it was a hot night. Then my roommate brought home three lovely girls. Fortunately, they didn’t stick around. Good thing, because we were running low on butter.
Boston cream pie or key lime pie?
Mrs. Tanguay is a huge fan of key lime pie. I cannot go to the Palm in Boston without bringing home a slice for her. But for me, Boston cream is the way to go. The first time I had it was at Gary Knapp’s 10th birthday party. The Knapps lived across the river from us in Roxbury, Maine. His dad, Richard, was the local garbologist. He married one of my many schoolboy crushes, Delia McDonald. She made the right choice. Great family.
Big Mac or the Whopper?
I'm not sure what the special sauce is, but I could easily stick a needle in my arm and shoot it into my veins. The Whopper is flamed broiled, but so what? The special sauce is the key: Tremendously creamy, deliciously pickley and profusely deadly.
Deep-fried peanut butter-and-Fluff sandwich or deep fried Twinkies?
Sorry, old school foodies, but the Twinkie jumped the shark a long time ago for me. Can you even buy them anymore? The Biltmore in Newton has an outstanding Deep Fried PB and FLUFF sandwich. They cut it into four triangles and then drizzle it with a grape jelly sauce. Put that in your kid’s lunch box and they will love you forever. Or at least until they get home.
Spam or pork rinds?
My Dad loved Spam. He had it every Saturday morning. I understand that SPAM now comes with less salt. What’s the point?
Crab Rangoon or chicken finger?
I have yet to actually see the crab in a Crab Rangoon, but I don't care. It's all about the cream cheese. Deep fried cream cheese. I getting hungry just writing about it. Dunk one of these babies in some duck sauce (which seems to be apple sauce with a lot of extra sugar), crunch into the crispy shell and prepare for an oral explosion of sweet creamy cheese.
Banana split or brownie sundae?
Oh . . . I’m too full right now to even think about it. Okay, a banana split -- or as it was called at the Mexico (Maine) Dairy Queen, a banana boat. This was not the DQ place with the fancy scripted logo with the red background. This was called the Mexico Dairy Queen long before DQ have brazed anything.
Those are my Panda picks? What are yours?